I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
