You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize