Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize