there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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