Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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