theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
There r osticjed everywhere
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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