my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
