two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
