I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
