How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
