I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
