The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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