I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
