genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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