Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
