i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My feet surprised me
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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