New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
