Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
