You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
