Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
