Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
