just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
