i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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