I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
