I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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