If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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