woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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