I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm going to jail i love you
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
