if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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