my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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