thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
