I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
