i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
