for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
