i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
