Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
