You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
