She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
