If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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