your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
