I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
