either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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