mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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