Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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