Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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