Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
