Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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