im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
