First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
