It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
