I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
