someone threw a dead crab at me
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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