tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize