There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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