I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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