it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
